How does one...

[Stryker1775]

Am I a bad person to want to get away for a weekend with the guys? I give her the option for her and her sister to drive to Gulf Shores AL and go shopping at the Outlet Malls whenever she wants. I even said she could use my card.

Hell no. Despite the humor of my previous post, situations like this are the exact reason I broke off a five year relationship including one year engagement and am currently single. There was no compromise that satisfied my basic needs. I was in the Marines and a competitive shooter. Both of those, my job and hobby/job, were not in her plans. She wanted me to stay home with the stupid DOG rather than go to work or to the range. There was no Kevin time. None. I was just like you, shower with love, gifts, everything she needed (or thought she needed). Until one day I realized there was no me. There was her and an attendant. I was miserable, depressed, secret alcoholic and smoker...not good.

THen I woke up. Well, a piece of plastic rocketing through my eye which ended the military career and the shooting, and the Law Enforcement career I was one test from being accepted into, woke me up. I was laying in the hospital bed efter surgery number 5 of 9 on my right eye and she commences to complaining that all I do is lay around in the hospital trying to get out of doing the work that needed to be done to buy her and the dog a house. Imagine that! My accident and loss of everything I had built my life toward was not only an inconvenience to her, but it meant that I was so lazy to get a "real job" I decided to poke myself in the eye! Oh my little angel.

Wow...getting long winded on silly stuff. Point being, some people just dont understand what makes others tick. She hated me going to a competition, but she was so happy because my mood when I got back was so good. But she never wanted to hear about it or even talk about it. Then she couldnt get why my mood soured. Never could she make the connection that shooting satisfied a deep part of my mental state that made me...well ME. It was mind cleansing, it freed pent up emotions and aggressions. Sort of like an enema for the soul. She never got it.

Maybe take her and your son on these diving trips. Make them family affairs where the majority of your time is still with them, but you can still get a few dives in say during nap time.

Otherwise, just may need to accept that you and diving and your wife are just not compatible in a way you emotionally/personally/physically/mentally need it to be. If that's the case...Brother Diver there are decisions to make I am sorry to say. Regardless, some long and deeply serious conversations need to be had.

Sincerest apologies for any offense, as none was meant.

[dherbert]

Sort of like an enema for the soul.

lol Yeah, it is a lot like that.

Maybe take her and your son on these diving trips. Make them family affairs where the majority of your time is still with them, but you can still get a few dives in say during nap time.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I'm thinking that would go over as well as suggesting a trip to Mustang Ranch might be made into a family outing. I know it seems a silly analogy, but....

[mwhities]

Hell no. Despite the humor of my previous post, situations like this are the exact reason I broke off a five year relationship including one year engagement and am currently single. There was no compromise that satisfied my basic needs. I was in the Marines and a competitive shooter. Both of those, my job and hobby/job, were not in her plans. She wanted me to stay home with the stupid DOG rather than go to work or to the range. There was no Kevin time. None. I was just like you, shower with love, gifts, everything she needed (or thought she needed). Until one day I realized there was no me. There was her and an attendant. I was miserable, depressed, secret alcoholic and smoker...not good.

THen I woke up. Well, a piece of plastic rocketing through my eye which ended the military career and the shooting, and the Law Enforcement career I was one test from being accepted into, woke me up. I was laying in the hospital bed efter surgery number 5 of 9 on my right eye and she commences to complaining that all I do is lay around in the hospital trying to get out of doing the work that needed to be done to buy her and the dog a house. Imagine that! My accident and loss of everything I had built my life toward was not only an inconvenience to her, but it meant that I was so lazy to get a "real job" I decided to poke myself in the eye! Oh my little angel.

Wow...getting long winded on silly stuff. Point being, some people just dont understand what makes others tick. She hated me going to a competition, but she was so happy because my mood when I got back was so good. But she never wanted to hear about it or even talk about it. Then she couldnt get why my mood soured. Never could she make the connection that shooting satisfied a deep part of my mental state that made me...well ME. It was mind cleansing, it freed pent up emotions and aggressions. Sort of like an enema for the soul. She never got it.

Maybe take her and your son on these diving trips. Make them family affairs where the majority of your time is still with them, but you can still get a few dives in say during nap time.

Otherwise, just may need to accept that you and diving and your wife are just not compatible in a way you emotionally/personally/physically/mentally need it to be. If that's the case...Brother Diver there are decisions to make I am sorry to say. Regardless, some long and deeply serious conversations need to be had.

Sincerest apologies for any offense, as none was meant.

That's the way I feel 100%. I'm not wanting to make a career out of diving, I'd just like to go dive every once in awhile. Why? Just like you with shooting. It helps me forget everything that has been going on and a way to relax. (I actually dive down to 70' and (try to) get perfectly trimmed and just stay there. No moving (scudding maybe) and close my eyes for as long as I can. (Usually when my computer beeps at me for ascending to fast. :P)). After that, I'm good. I get home, kiss her on the lips, my son too and tell them both how much I missed them and I'm glad to be back.

The complianing starts... I wasn't home on time.. I'm sour once again...

She doesn't care to go on the weekend trips as it "disrupts T's schedule" or "we won't see you at all, all day, so why go?"... etc..

Yeah, we will have a talk tonight. I can't ever see myself leaving her and him for diving. I'd stay miserable for him over diving any day.

No offense taken, I appreciate your opinions.

Michael

[Stryker1775]

That's the way I feel 100%. I'm not wanting to make a career out of diving, I'd just like to go dive every once in awhile. Why? Just like you with shooting. It helps me forget everything that has been going on and a way to relax. (I actually dive down to 70' and (try to) get perfectly trimmed and just stay there. No moving (scudding maybe) and close my eyes for as long as I can. (Usually when my computer beeps at me for ascending to fast. :P)). After that, I'm good. I get home, kiss her on the lips, my son too and tell them both how much I missed them and I'm glad to be back.

The complianing starts... I wasn't home on time.. I'm sour once again...

She doesn't care to go on the weekend trips as it "disrupts T's schedule" or "we won't see you at all, all day, so why go?"... etc..

Yeah, we will have a talk tonight. I can't ever see myself leaving her and him for diving. I'd stay miserable for him over diving any day.

No offense taken, I appreciate your opinions.

Michael

That's what I do with diving now since I cannot shoot. Just get down below and...relax....My safety stop is the last place for me to off gas all my problems.

Careful with the misery though. It's contagious, even if you don't realize it at the time. Never know who close to you will pick up on it and be affected...or how.

[blondie]

Two words for you:

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

You already have a problem- it isn't going to just get better.

[Ber Rabbit]

I really think some sort of mediator would help you two be able to better articulate your points without the instinctive shutdown that getting emotional about something activates. I've got no experience with having children so I don't know how long hormones are out of kilter. I do know it can be hard to see someone else's point of view when you're feeling the effects of changing hormones (the monthly change).

You'll need to find a middle ground where both of your needs can be met. Being miserable can have negative effects on your health and kids sometimes believe they are the reason mommy and daddy don't seem to get along. Growing animosity between the two of you isn't fair to the baby in the long run. Do what needs to be done to fix it, it's most likely not too late but you both need to admit there is a problem. There's no shame in seeking counseling to improve your family bond.
Ber

[dherbert]

I hate to admit it, but counseling is about the best idea in the thread. It's not easy or even a sure fix, but if you both commit, it can make a difference. Find a therapist that you are both comfortable with and don't be afraid of dumping them if you aren't getting results.

It can be a long, expensive path, but it can be worth it.

Oh, ban Oprah from the house. Most wives didn't know how bad they had it till she syndicated.

[Stryker1775]

I hate to admit it, but counseling is about the best idea in the thread. It's not easy or even a sure fix, but if you both commit, it can make a difference. Find a therapist that you are both comfortable with and don't be afraid of dumping them if you aren't getting results.

It can be a long, expensive path, but it can be worth it.

Oh, ban Oprah from the house. Most wives didn't know how bad they had it till she syndicated.

Amen to that.

Amen.

[LAJim]

I decided at lunch I would recommend counseling, and I see my task has been made a lot easier in my absence. I feel like there might other issues in addition to "dive time".

Diving is a bad idea when there is too much politics or things you have to think about underwater. You've already sat out six months. The diving thing isn't working at this point in your life. Don't sell your gear --just pack it up until this family stuff gets sorted out. That could take a while. Cozumel may not be the greatest vacation spot for non-divers. Its pretty much about diving and cruise ship passengers drinking too much and buying stuff they don't need. There are some Mayan ruins. If you work hard and take the ferry over to the mainland a couple of days everyone can have a good time -- otherwise there are probably better choices in Mexico for a family vacation.

[mwhities]

Thank you all again.

We had a good talk at lunch and she just doesn't like either of to be away from T for long periods of time. I told her how I felt and what I do when I go diving.

So do get to go diving in a few weekends and she says she's cool with it. Just to check in with her. I can do that with no problem.

We are going to talk more about it tonight, I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks,

Michael

[Dive-aholic]

I'd stay miserable for him over diving any day.

And what kind of lesson does this teach him? You can't make someone happy unless you are happy with yourself first. It's good you talked with your wife and things seem to be on the right track...for now. Don't stop talking now, though. Keep up the communication. Keep contact. Whenever I go diving without my wife I call her right before getting in the water and shortly after getting out. And she's a diver with the same training and certifications as me. I've been in relationships where I was forced to not do something that I really loved. Those relationships didn't last. Yours won't either unless you fix it now.

[mwhities]

And what kind of lesson does this teach him? You can't make someone happy unless you are happy with yourself first. It's good you talked with your wife and things seem to be on the right track...for now. Don't stop talking now, though. Keep up the communication. Keep contact. Whenever I go diving without my wife I call her right before getting in the water and shortly after getting out. And she's a diver with the same training and certifications as me. I've been in relationships where I was forced to not do something that I really loved. Those relationships didn't last. Yours won't either unless you fix it now.

I see that now. I'd hate to do it and it hurts him some way.

We had a long talk last night. I think some changes (more than just diving) is going to happen (Both her and I are.). We talked and let each other express how we feel and what's bothering us about one another.

She stated that she is still "nesting" since Tanner's birth. We only had Tanner one day and he had a rash across his face and chest. The doctors came and took him away one the second day to draw blood and get a culture of his blood. Well, he stayed in NICU for 4 days. So we had to wheel down everyday and see him. (No bacteria showed up.) She said that really scared her and that's why she's a "home body" now. Not wanting to go to far off.

I apologized to her and explained that he's fine now and that we (her and I) need to have a few nights out together. She agreed. (It's been ages since we've watched a movie (theater or at home) together. got a date Saturday night!

Thanks again for everyone's suggestions and comments. None were taking offensively nor negatively. I respect everyone's thoughts and they actually helped me talk to her.

Thanks all!

Michael

[Ber Rabbit]

Good to hear you two are communicating! BIG HUG! You need to make sure to nurture each other as a couple even while he's small. Eventually he will grow up and move into his own life. Having parents who balance their relationship with each other and their relationship with him will help him be a balanced member of society. Coddling and overprotecting him and making it so your lives revolve solely to serve him probably isn't going to produce a great human to be around How do the song lyrics go? "Hold on loosely but don't let go. If you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control." (something like that)

It's normal to be scared when stuff like that happens. You've got to be able to temper fear with preparation and a little faith that things are going to be ok. Nobody said it was going to be easy...you two are a team, just like you and your dive buddies. Apply your dive training to life here, what are the most important things to nuture for functioning team?
Ber

[Snowbear]

Excellent

[cmalinowski]

Holy cow, I went away for 24 hours and this turned into an Oprah show.

I mean, I'm glad you're working it out of course, but man this turned into a pansy fest quickly.

I guess I just didn't get my fill of the mean boards today

Chris